Julia · Anna

I was a phys. ed substitute today at Snow Elementary and it was awesome. I wish I could go back in time and go into kinesiology.

Also, do I promote the female phys ed teacher stereotype if I'm only a substitute?

-Juli

Dear Self,

Stop self-editing. Stop referring to your girlfriend as your "friend". Stop trying to be polite when dealing with people who oppose same sex marriage and inclusive anti-bullying legislation, who support the BSA's policy against homosexual scout leaders, and a laundry list of other issues close to your heart.

Speak up when people are acting like bigots. Don't talk yourself out of arguments because you don't feel like you have all the information. Opponents of LGBT inclusive policies don't give a shit about facts, so why do you keep from speaking up because you don't know every last detail about a policy?

Stop tip-toeing around the religious issues. You're religious, you're an active member of the United Church of Christ, and you support inclusive legislation and policies. Speak up about the progressive stance your church has taken and how it hasn't brought the end of times.

Stop being so fucking nice!

Love you, but sometimes you get on my nerves,
Julia

In my alternative world, I'm a good student and Alice & Tasha live happily ever after. Also, Fuck Shenny. What kind of BS is that shit?

Also, Merry Christmas!
Juil

I didn't mean to stay up so late, but I was working on my Writing for Social Justice project and started rereading old LJ entries. The project is on the importance of LGBT alliances in high schools, and I'm submitting a series of narratives on the coming out process.

I started rereading old LJ entries, to see what I said about my sexuality without actually admitting it. It's funny, rereading old LJ entries. Not "funny haha", but funny weird.
- I was a bizarre high schooler, who felt the need to talk about boys all the time to cover up my incredible panic about my sexuality. I was pretty misserable and messed up, but I never reached out for help. I also had a pretty fucked up body image.
- But my senior year was pretty amazing.
- My parents grounded me so much, and for some really ridiculous shit.
- I had some amazing friends that I let drift away.
- I was misserable at MSU, and drank a lot.
- I was better at Beloit, but I feel like I expected too much from the external change. I also have a really strong tendency to sabotage parts of my life that are going well.

I doubt I EVER would have thought I'd be where I am right now, graduating in 5 years (hopefully) with a biology degree, massive amounts of student loans, and no idea what I want to do. But on the other hand, even if I'm still a horrible student and still don't work out enough or keep all my promises, I'm in such a better place. I have to remember to remind myself about that more often than I do.

God, would you believe that I've had this sucker for 8 1/2 years? 'Cause I don't. & I have.

-Juli

I keep forgetting how much I dig Amelia Earhart. I would love to go back in time and split a fifth of liquor with her. I bet she'd drink me under the table.

-Juli

My foolproof access to journal articles with my MSU account has finally ended. No longer does just a functional email adress allow you access. No, now you need to actually be an enrolled student!

I think I just died a little inside.

-Juli

Health care is quickly becoming a big issue to me, between debating between taking out additional loans so I can be covered by my families insurance and watching friends fall ill and be afraid to go to the doctors 'cause they're uninsured. This whole system is fucked up, and our Presidential candidates are just talking smoke and mirrors. McCain's health plan is for shit, and Obama's is nondescript.

I'm pissed because no candidate, no party is stepping up and declaring that LGBT issues are civil rights, minority rights issues.

I swear, I'm going to end up with a BS, $40,000 in debt & a working-class tax bracket when I graduate. I'm so damn pissed and I don't know what to do about it.

How can I stop caring? Because that would alleviate a lot of my stress.
-Juli

Okay. So, I feel I should do my mandatory update now that the semester has officially started. I had such a fantastic week/weekend. It made me much happier to be back.

I'll admit, like I have to several people these last few days, that it was very hard coming back this semester. Realizing that all of my fellow biology seniors have left, that so many of my senior friends had left, and my fantastic second home in Townhouse D was gone, it honestly felt like I was starting over. It's hard, it's always hard, to start a new semester, but this year felt different and was made worse by the fact that I had such an amazing summer.

School has also been quite intense, so I allowed myself to get sucked into my head and my schoolwork, and venture out very little. However, I'm getting over it, things are starting to balance out, and I'm realizing that I need to talk advantage of my time here 'cause there are some fabulous people I'm meeting/remeeting on campus. I'm over my funk now, thanks to these last few days.

Also, liquor is quite a delightful social lubricant. I love being told by people I knew from these last few years that I'm lovely, that they're glad I'm here this semester, that I am always welcome to drop by. I also love hugs. I forget that sometimes.

And I LOVED hearing from one of the other students in my Creative Writing class that she thinks I'm one of the best writers in there. After not taking a writing course in, oh, five years, I was afraid I'd lost it.

I also am proud of myself, because I'm attending the Alliance meetings. I'm forcing myself to do something I haven't felt comfortable doing since I left MSU, and it's paying off. I'm also proud of myself for being much more vocally out this semester than I ever have been before. It was worth it just for the look on my Creative Writing teacher's face. Ha! What a good day!

So with that, I am promising myself from RIGHT NOW and onward, that I will get my work done in a timely manner, and I will socialize a little more than I probably should, and I will not allow myself to hide out in my little cubbyhole of a room any more.

Oh, and I'll also make sure to keep track of the number of phone-minutes I use. Holy bejesus! did I use too many last month!

-Juli

Apparently, when life gives me lemons, I prefer to cut the lemon, and then squeeze the juice on my first available open wound. And then realize there was sugar and a glass of water next to me.

-Juli

God damn it all. I know this is a bitchy move, I KNOW IT IS, but when you've been talking to a girl for a fucking semester, and you visited her twice (I changed around my damn spring break schedule), and she didn't, that's frustrating. But whatever, I was gonna just make her visit during the last week of school, 'cause she'd be in Chicago and that would be both cheaper and easier.

But now, she's sick. SERIOUSLY, fuck this. I am pretty much over this whole thing. I know it's a bitchy move, and people can't control getting sick, but fucking shit. This semester has basically been one big tease, and it's stressful and draining and I don't know if it's worth all the work. I'm sorry, but I'm not a monk.

-Juli

So, I'm writing a paper on the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, that would extend employment protection legislation to include sexual orientation and gender identity. I'm theoretically against the currently version of ENDA, because of the drop of gender identity from it's text. I strongly believe that it weakens the bill significantly. HOWEVER, I also understand that this bill is important and could act as a stepping stone for LGBT legislation.

But I digress. The problem I have with writing this paper, is that I feel I must discuss the criticism of the bill, which includes criticism from the religious right. Reading their twisted and manipulated words about the LGBT community ties my stomach into knots. The hate that they preach makes me physically ill.

Writing this paper has reminded me that there are people out there who want me dead, who believe that not only I, but my family who supports me belong in hell because of something I have no control over. I know all this, and have known this for years. What gets me is that reading the articles still induces as great physical response from me as it did the first time I read it.

-Juli

I just drank 32 oz of Diet Coke (I know, I know, Coca-cola regularly pwns India, but being a corporate sell out tastes so good) and now I'm feeling both wired and giddy. This is probably incredibly obnoxious to anyone in the library around me. Especially when I was watching Never Mind the Buzzcocks. (PS, if you haven't seen that show, search for it on youtube.com, watch an episode, and thank me some time in the future).

One of the girls in Eco-Lit had this little quiz book, and it was a lot of silly questions, like what I like on my hamburgers (ketchup, mustard, and onions always; tomatoes and lettuce when the mood strikes) and what my last dream was (I told her I couldn't remember, which was untrue, but I am pretty sure that discussing dreams of a sexual nature involving myself and Deak Evgenikos character from Itty Bitty Titty Committee are pretty much off limits during Help Yourself events). However, two questions stuck in my head: what do I want right now? and who is my hero?

Right now, I want more self discipline and to pass my classes, which sounds like a small feat, except that I'm still working on my senior thesis manuscript. I'm rather frustrated at myself, because I had SUCH a successful Fall semester, and now I'm backtracking and flailing and incredibly stressed.

And my current hero is most definitely my mom, which I feel a bit mean saying because I don't like to pick a favorite, ever. But after the phone conversation with my mother last night, she's damn up there. She always knows what to say to bring up my self esteem. Which is nice, especially when I feel like I'm constantly disappointingly her.

But fuck these serious entries! The main reason I wanted to post something was so that I can remind myself to get a hold of The Cliks album AND their cover of "Cry Me A River". ALSO, The Gossip covers of pretty much anything are fantastic.

Off to go do something or whatever,
Juli

So, it was brought to my attention this weekend that people view me as someone with a positive body image. And that this fact is somewhat critical in how others view themselves. I tend to be taken back by comments like that. Mainly because, while I do have a positive body image now, it came after years of negativity. I've always viewed it as more an evolution of body image, that is grounded in the realization I had a couple years ago that I can't change the body I have. I can not be taller or thinner or have smaller feet or thighs or any other slew of things. I just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that I am pretty and I have great hair. That being small means I can curl up in chairs with ease (which is one of my favorite things to do). I can't tan, but I can get a slew of freckles all over my knees and shoulders. I am not someone who will ever fall into the idealized concept of beauty, and I've become okay with that. I will I feel like I have more "body compromise" than anything else.

And I'm saying these things now so I can look back on the bad days when all the negativity out there starts to wear me down, and remind myself that it doesn't last.

-Juli

So, I'm watching the season finale of The L Word and I think my two favorite characters are Max and Molly, neither of which get enough airtime. Is it bad, that in a show I follow so closely, I don't like most of the main characters? I can't help it, I'm part of the contingency of "lesbians that love to hate The L Word". I'm damn frustrated that the writers keep assuming we, like the characters they write, have no recollection of past seasons. I really hope that Shane, resident bad boi, gets her shit together and realizes that she deserves better. And let that better be Molly, because Clementine Ford is fucking gorgeous.
And right now, I'm no longer rooting for Alice and Tasha, because, right now, Tasha deserves way better. And shit, now I like Jenny...

Fuck the ending of this season. It was SO GOOD up until the last episode.

-Juli

So, instead of working on my homework, like I should be, I'm updating this thing. I am dedicating this entry to my mother. I am writing down the following because I always want to remember it.

( Read More )

So, with that, you have Part 1 of the story of how my mother became the most fabulous of all the "I Love My Lesbian Daughter!" moms.

-Juli

So, this is mainly just for me, because I've been in the mood to create lists and sort out thoughts.

So this summer, if I don't fuck up my current internship too much (which is a possibility, being that some of the paperwork still isn't completed), I may be helping create a three week day camp for 5th graders in the Beloit Community. I will be teaching "Ecological Literacy", IE how to understand and "read" nature. It's pretty sweet, but incredibly scary. I mean, this is one of those things that I may actually want to pursue as a career. And it sounds silly, but I almost don't want to run it just 'cause it may end up being a bust. I guess I'm just scared it's going to suck, and I'm not capable of running anything.

For the rest of the summer I'm going to be at home, babysitting for some family friends (two girls and a boy, between the ages of 14 and 9). The main reason they want someone at the house is because of of the girls has some serious health problems. She also likes to play Scrabble. It's going to be a fantastic cakewalk of a job. I might also brush up on my sweet janitorial skills and clean my church during the summer.

I just filled out my FAFSA, in which I realized, yet again, that I am going to have to take out loans to pay for my last semester at school, because my college fund has dried up. This has me in a serious state of panic, because I am not going to make close to enough over the summer to pay for school. PLUS, I keep thinking that I'm going to need to get a car soon. REAL SOON. Because I can't keep mooching off my parents (I mean, I can, but it is really inconvenient for all of us). I keep thinking that I should try and get a car this summer, considering that my sister will also be home and probably employed. On the other hand, I will have to seriously figure out how I will pay for insurance while I'm at school, considering that all the phat cash I make up there goes straight to tuition.

And after all this, I'm definitely moving the fuck home and my parents are just going to have to deal with that. I need those handful of months after I graduate in December to get my shit together, and work and play. I do not want to have to think. I do not want to have a job right away in the field I have studied. I miss my family. I miss Michigan. I miss having all my shit in one place.

As always, I regularly come back to the much repeated frustrations of how my life is panning out right now. Half of it is fantastic. Coming out to my parents this summer was a huge stress relief. I have a fucking fantastic group of friends, both at home and at school. I love being overly social at home, meeting new people and going out to clubs. School is frustrating the hell out of me. I think it's mainly 1) still having a semester left and really wishing I didn't and 2) all the loans I'm going to have to pay off after I graduate. That shit scares me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying for school, constantly being reminded of my past every month when I pay my bills.

I just want a job in which I can pay my bills and have a horribly active social life. Some days I fear my liberal arts education is going to go to waste, 'cause all I really want to do is waitress or bartend. Or maybe substitute teach.

Fuck...
Juli